The Male Soap Opera, Starring Brett Favre

Let’s start with the definition of Irony (A word frequently misused in place of the word “coincidence”), according to the Mirriam-Webster Online Dictionary: “Incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal and expected result”. I claim to be fed up with the media for shoving the Brett Favre Saga in our face, yet I choose to write about it, thus shoving it in your face. I recognize and apologize for that.

Segue to my next point. Definition of Hypocrite, according to Mirriam Webster Online Dictionary: “A person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or opinions”. Okay, fine. I’m a hypocrite. I can deal with that. I’ve been called far worse. I hereby resolve to give up hypocrisy. But only for Lent. And I reserve the right to be a hypocrite on this blog. And I reserve the right to spit in the face of proper grammar and sentence structure. And that’s because I choose to, not because I don’t know any better.

*Blog Note #1: I would like to make a Proclamation. Brett Favre shall henceforth be mentioned only as “BF”. The way I figure, he and Terrell Owens, a.k.a. “TO” are the main characters in this ridiculous reality show we call the Male Soap Opera, so they deserve the same type of nomenclature. More importantly, I fear the prospect of typing “Brett Favre” over and over. Seriously, try typing “Favre” about 20 times. How many times did your fingers make you type “Farve” instead? It’s unnatural.

*Blog Note #2: We’ll deal with Male Soap Opera co-star Chad “Johnson” Ochocinco’s moniker later this season when he finally decides to throw his annual hissy fit. I expect it to happen about the time the Bengals lose to the Steelers for the 345th time, and management changes his uniform number to 86. In fact, let’s make it official: I am now officially accepting suggestions, so feel free to let me know what you think.

Part 1: Why we don’t care about the BF Saga.

Ostensibly, the purpose of this blog (at least in part) is to attack the stories of the sports world that are irritating me (and a good chunk of all of you reading this). The problem is that the media inundates us with drama instead of actually telling us why we should actually care about the story. They assume and expect we should care merely because they are telling us. Naturally, we would expect them to inform us why we should care. But, they’re not. And yet they continue to insist we care. (See “Definition of Irony” above).

The real rub is that the majority of sports media repeatedly follows the formula, expecting us to care while never changing their formula. Segue (again) to my next point: Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity was famously quoted as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Interesting. The sports media keeps cramming the same BF drama down our throat over and over and yet they expect us to sit on the edge of our seat and listen with rapt attention? Insane.

More proof that I’m right? Today I caught a few ESPN Talking Heads gathering up the nerve to actually bitch and moan about the BF story and its perpetual inanity. The sports media are now – get this – groaning at themselves over how tired they are of this BF nonsense! It only took, what, 5 years of this crap?!?! Give me a break. (See “Definition of Hypocrite” above).

Part 2: Why we should care about the BF Saga.

Easy Answer: We shouldn’t. And we probably don’t.

Actual Answer: I can think of one reason you should (below). And you still probably won’t.

I’m not saying that you’re actually required to care, but if you had any single reason to care at all, this should be that reason: whether or not BF can win games for the Minnesota Vikings.

I believe he can, if his arm is healthy, and if so, he should come back to the NFL. More importantly, the question is whether he will singlehandedly blow games for the Vikings. Probably yes, but only if he is forced - or chooses - to put the team on his shoulders every week.

This is why B to the F and the Norsemen of the Scandinavian Peninsula are playing this silly game of grab-ass with each other. They are a perfect match. The Vikes run a familiar system and don’t require BF to carry the team. BF requires a familiar system (so he can lollygag his ass into training camp at the last minute), and because he can’t carry a team anymore (and he knows it). There’s also the distinct possibility that BF needs the Vikings because he’s a shameless drama queen who can’t seem to remove himself from the media spotlight and the Vikings provide his last ditch chance to fill that need for his ego.

In turn, if the Vikings actually expect to advance in the playoffs and have a chance at a Super Bowl victory (and you better believe they do have the talent), the Vikings need a QB who knows his asshole from his bellybutton. They need someone who has the experience to run an offense without shouldering the burden of also being its lone ranger. Someone who’s not Tavaris Jackson or Sage “The Rage” Rosenfels. Someone who’s confident enough to know that he can win it all, in the right situation, but too smart to admit that he can’t do it alone. That’s Bee Eff.

It’s as simple as that. There you go, one story – not a saga - that could’ve been reported and let sleep until REAL news surfaced about the issue.

Instead, we are forced to endure stories every single day of whether or not BF's family members booked a hotel room in Green Bay for the Vikings game, or whether his biceps tendon is vulnerable to the crippling radiation of Kryptonite, or whether his Aunt Bea enjoyed a successful pap smear, or if he was pleased with his service at Jiffy Lube during last Wednesday’s oil change on his Ford F-150 Extended Cab Super Duty Diesel, or whether or not he will employ the services of said pickup truck to “work the land” on his farm in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, or finally - the one thing we are really dying to learn – how many interceptions did BF throw in that epic-yet-slightly-homoerotic game of Mud Football from the Wrangler Jeans commercials?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Up next: A smorgasboard of commentary on recent news: Playing catch-up on The Kobe Face, Lebron's Non-Handshake, why the NBA is ridiculous, and anything else that tickles my fancy.

Also: Didn't get to the Tony Reali face. We'll do it next time.